The It/Transcript
Peepers: Lord Dominator! Hater: BOO! I hate that guy! Peepers: Well, you should, sir. He's climbed to the top of the Galactic Villain Leaderboard in record time! Hater: I assume you mean close to the top. After yours truly, Lord Hater, #1 Superstar. Peepers: Sir, we're not even in the Top Ten. Hater: What?! Peepers: We're way down here, between Something the So-and-So and an empty blank space. Hater: Oh, I see. And how many planets does Wander have? Peepers: None! Zero! He doesn't conquer planets! I don't even think he has a house! Sir, if you want to make it back onto the Top Ten, you have to stop viewing Wander as a threat and focus on actual villains that are actual threats. Hater: Like Dominator. Grrr! Peepers: Let's start with General McGuffin. Now, our spies have located a weak spot in the force field around McGuffin's heavily fortified military stronghold. We sneak in, deactivate the force field, take his base, and steal his territory. Called, that'll pad our planetary numbers quite nicely. Hater: Point me at him! I'll deep-fry the feathers off him! Peepers: Love that enthusiasm, but this will be a delicate covert operation with lots of twists and turns. I need your undivided attention. Do I have your undivided attention? Hater: Absolutely. Nothing will distract me from taking out these losers and re-becoming the greatest in the galaxy! crashes Wander: Tag! You're It! Peepers: Oh, no. Hater: Commander Peepers. I believe you were going to brief us on your invasion plan. Peepers: You You're not gonna flip out and chase after him? Hater: Please. Do you think I'm going to let some silly game ruin my chances at galactic superiority? Watchdog Pat: Uh, you do seem to do that a lot, so -- (Peepers shoots Watchdog Pat) Peepers: Of course not, sir. Glad to see you've got your eyes on the prize! Now, General McGuffin's base has 32 separate sentry turrets surveying 45 degree angles in varying intervals. After fording the perimeter moat, which is crawling with water Wingmen, we'll hit the infinity minefield full of self-preparing mines. I'm not gonna lie not all of you are gonna make it back through that one. (to Pat) I'm lookin' at you, Pat. The secondary moat is tricky. It's rigged with alarm sensors that can tag our presence and it alternates its pattern. If you're tagged, it is imperative that you tag its it-it while it tags the it-it tag. It-it-tag-tag-it-tag- it-it-tag-tag-it. Peepers: You all got that? Great. 'Cause this is where it gets tricky. Because everything we've just encountered is actually a mass hallucination induced by General McGuffin's psychic battalion. We have to confront our innermost fears in order to defeat them, awake from the dream state, and then start the whole thing over again from Step One. Wander: The conference table is base! Peepers: What was that? Hater: Nothing! Totally paying attention. Peepers: Good. Now, once we've escaped to that alternate timeline... continues Hater: (whispering) Psst. Barry. Take your hand off the table. (Barry refuses) Hater: (still whispering) Oh, no! There's a big, scary monster under the table! And he's, like, totally gonna eat you unless you run away from the table! Run, Barry, run! () Hater: '''Barry! As your Supreme Leader, I'm warning you to take your hand off the table! Grrr! crackling '''Wander: No tag backs! Hater: roars Peepers: Which leads us to Step 47A, subsection B, 4th appendix. Now that we've cleared the outer-inner inner-outer perimeter, we have to circumvent the inner-inner-inner-outer... Hater: Okay, who can I tag? Who can I tag? Who can I-- Bingo. Peepers: ...posted at the turrets each grew up in different time zones, so their Circadian sleep rhythms will be all out of sync. Question, sir? Hater: Bathroom break! I need a bathroom break. roaring Hater: Get back here! Slow down! Peepers: '''Okay, new plan. If we want to have any chance of pulling this off, one of you is gonna have to let him tag you. '''Watchdog: Uh, sir? Why don't you let him tag you? Hater: stammering No! Of course, that wouldn't work because as his second in command I can't be It because Ohh, fine! You're all a bunch of babies! screaming Hater: Everybody get back here! Peepers: Sir, in the interest of the invasion, I have decided to let you tag me. Hater: Thanks, CPeeps. Tag, you're Peepers: Oh! Sorry, sir, I must have tripped. Go ahead. Hater: Peepers Peepers: I don't know what's come over me. I promise, sir, this time I will remain completely still. Peepers: Aaaah! Sir, I don't wanna be It! Hater: Peepers, get back here! Hater roars, Peepers screams Wander: Food court is a safe zone! music plays slurps Safe zone expired! Wander: The floor is hot lava! clang Hater: '''chuckles Tag. '''Peepers: Freeze tag. shouting Watchdog: Oh, no! You accidentally froze Lord Hater in Coldbrrnite! Peepers: Yes, "accidentally". And that's exactly what we'll tell him when we unfreeze him after we break into General McGuffin's fortress. Wander: Finally! I have your undivided attention. So let's talk about your feelings. screams shriek music beeping Wander: Have you ever considered a healthier outlet for your aggression? You could be a pastry chef! Eww. No, I've tasted your cooking. Wander: Ooh! Or a professional luchador! El Esqueleto Electrico! shouting I don't think I'm getting through to you. Lets try music therapy! Oh, wander Over yonder beeping When darkness comes a-creepin' And you're feelin' down Just Wander over yonder And turn your life around Wander: I think I'm cracking through your cold exterior! Hater: '''roars '''Wander: Whoop. Game on! Hater: '''Taaaaaaag! '''Peepers: The force field generator. Disable that, and our army can descend on the fortress before General McGuffin even knows we're here. wails Peepers: What the How?! Hater: '''Taaaaaaaag! '''Peepers: Oh, no. Hater: '''Tag! Tag! Taaaag! power up '''General McGuffin: '''What in the Sam Hill is goin' on in here? '''Wander: Lord Hater's It! General McGuffin: ' Lord Hater's It? '''Hater: '''Taaaaaag! '''General McGuffin: ' Wha Wingmen! Scatter! Scatter! '''Hater: '''Taaaaaaag! '''Peepers: Oh, yes. This, I can use. Hater: '''Taaaaag! screams rings '''Hater: '''Taaaaag! rings '''Hater: '''Taaaaag! '''Hater: '''Taaaaaag! '''Hater: '''Taaaaaaag! '''Peepers: We did it, sir! We're back on the Top Ten! plays, crowd cheering Hater: '''What? We did? '''Peepers: Everyone is terrified of being It! A true villain turns a weakness into a strength! We're going all the way to the top! Hater: '''We are? We are. Yeah! High-five! '''Peepers: (slow-motion) Nooooooo!!! explosion Watchdog Ted: I'm It? I'm It! I have the power! laughter Peepers: sighs Okay, here's the elaborate, multi-part plan to defeat our new arch-nemesis, Ted from Accounting. Wander: Got your nose! Hater: ''' Give it back! '''Peepers: Sir, you don't have a nose. Hater: '''Yeah, because Wander stole it! Get back here! '''Peepers: crying Sylvia: '''There, there. It's not gonna be okay. (Credits) '''Peepers: Now, General McGuffin's base has 32 separate sentry turrets surveying 45 degree angles in varying intervals. After fording the perimeter moat, which is crawling with water wingmen, we'll hit the infinity minefield full of self-preparing mines. I'm not gonna lie not all of you are gonna make it back through that one. I'm lookin' at you, Pat. This is where it gets tricky, because everything we've just encountered is actually a mass hallucination induced by General McGuffin's psychic battalion. We have to confront our innermost fears in order to defeat them, awake from the dream state, and then start the whole thing over again from Step One.